“What if you owned it?”
I felt the question erupt from my stomach in a recent coaching conversation, like a slow rumble of water, on the precipice of a full boil. It surprised me, the way that a film that shifts your perspective does.
I could feel the shift in the energy, as the consideration of this question, “What if you owned it?'“ sat in the air, pregnant with possibility that hadn’t been previously present.
I hear the “S” word — should — often not only with clients, but in general, from others in my life and network.
I should take this job.
I should stay in this relationship.
I should have a baby.
I should get more done.
I should eat the salad.
I should be happy.
F*uck that. For real.
The good news? We don’t have to “should” ourselves.
Should is dangerous. It can lead us to take actions that are not truly aligned with what we want or desire, but often in direct conflict with what we want or desire.
You can think of the Should’s like a couple who is not invited to your dinner party, promptly arriving at your door, often with impeccable timing. Instead of a bottle of red wine from Spain, or a manchego cheese plate to share, they carry with them a tote bag of guilt, shame, and judgment — usually around you, an action, a thought, or a behavior.
So, what do we do when these uninvited Should’s show up at our dinner party?
We get curious. Instead of shoeing them away, we welcome them in — guilt, shame, judgment, and all — and wonder who they are. Where do the Should’s come from? And, what do they actually want?
Yes, the Should’s latch on to us, often unwanted, like a piece of toilet paper finding its way to the bottom of our shoe, and holding on until we realize and remove it.
But perhaps they cling with a message to share, like keeping us safe, or simply being seen and acknowledged.
What if we allowed the Should’s to be present at our dinner party, and simply embraced what we actually want?
Instead of “I should,” what if we got really honest with ourselves and instead asked, “Do I want to?”
Making this shift is hard, because we might find ourselves bumping up against a values or expectation misalignment.
For example, we might pride ourselves on keeping commitments to others, but cancel on ourselves all the time (not speaking from experience here).
Or maybe we feel obligated to stay in a relationship or at a job due to the very real Sunk Cost Fallacy.
When the Should’s show up, get curious about the rule or expectation that you’ve explicitly or tacitly set up for yourself. Ask yourself lovingly what the belief or thought is that might be driving them. Then ask yourself if it is true for you.
Let’s practice
For example, let’s say you think you should want to have a baby.
What is the thought or belief that is driving the Should’s? It may be messaging you’ve received from your community, family, friends, or society. Maybe it’s “I should have a baby, because that is what women do. Without having a baby, I’m not a woman. Therefore, I am not worthy.” This might sound harsh, but you’d be surprised at how deep some of these thoughts might go.
Then consider, is that thought or belief true to you? Do you actually consider yourself unworthy of being a woman, if you are unsure about having children, or don’t want children? Of course not. Or, if you do, get curious about where those messages might’ve come from.
If this thought or belief is not true, what is? This is where the ownership comes in. You get to say, “Right now, I am not sure if I want to have a baby for X,Y,Z reasons.” Or, “I am prioritizing my career right now.” Or, “I trust life, including whether or not I will have a baby, to unfold for me. And I trust that my knowing will reveal itself to me when I am ready to receive it.”
The truth is, it’s not right or wrong to want to have a baby. Just like it’s not right or wrong to stay or go in a relationship, or to take a job or pass.
If we treat the Should’s as valuable guidance, we can realize what is right or wrong for us, which can bring us closer to what we actually want.
What is this reflection shifting for you? I would love to hear. If you feel inspired to connect or learn more about my work, reply back to this email or click connect with me below.
Love this post, Grace. Definitely hit me in the gut just like your coach’s question. I guess I have always thought of “should” as what I feel like someone else wants me to do that I really don’t. I never thought of “should” as maybe being an opportunity to take the yes/no self-assessment: Does this feel true for me? Maybe the answer is yes, and that’s ok too.