Unpopular opinion: I don't believe "everything happens for a reason"
But we can learn from everything.
I know this might be considered an unpopular opinion or hot take. And I get it — when I was first challenged on “everything happens for a reason” many years ago at a college retreat, my world was rocked.
I remember sitting in a musty room by the lake, and internalizing this message from the retreat director, which she shared with fierce conviction.
My brain began to run with thoughts, like she was training for her next half marathon. I began to wonder, Was she okay? What did she mean that everything didn’t happen for a reason? And why did this commentary feel like a personal attack?
At the time, I identified with this phrase. I lived in full hope that all the difficult times and learnings, were guiding me toward something. That every less than ideal experience I had, was intended to lead me toward what’s meant for me.
“Everything happens for a reason,” became a mantra that I would return to when my life wasn’t going as expected. It became a solace on which I relied for comfort, an old tattered sweatshirt I’d slip on when I wanted to retreat from reality.
Another way I retreat from reality is watching TV shows like The Bachelor and Love Is Blind. During the first few episodes of the most recent seasons, this phrase is ubiquitous, like daffodils popping up in the spring after winter. Once you see them, you can’t un-see them.
In essence, perhaps, there is nothing wrong with relying on this saying if it leads to faith and hope. However, it can be a slippery slope when it becomes a hall pass to take ourselves out of the game of our own lives. I believe that life is 50 - 50: 50% who we are being and what we do, and 50% life rising the meet us.
We are responsible for who we choose to be and how we relate to our circumstances.
Shit happens
My perspective since college and over the last decade of course has shifted drastically.
Here is what I know to be true: shit happens.
People are abused emotionally, mentally, and physically. Women have miscarriages. Innocent people die. Young people get sick.
I cannot possibly believe that these types of horrors happen “for a reason.” I don’t believe that life, or the universe, or God would intend for this suffering.
Instead, I choose to believe that there is a learning in everything we experience.
Personally, I receive most of my learnings through nature. Last week I spent some time by the beach, and the ocean always has lessons to teach me. Whether a lesson in letting go and letting things wash away, the balance of being strong sometimes, while also being soft, or the value of respecting the power of her and all beings. Animals and children are also wonderful teachers.
There are learnings available to us all the time. Life is our greatest teacher.
We are more likely to receive and reflect on these learnings when we slow down to the present moment. If we are rushing through our day-to-day and completing tasks out of self-created urgency, we might miss the messages life is sending us.
We are always making meaning of our experiences. We get to decide the meaning we do or don’t assign, the action we do or don’t take, and who we do or don’t want to be in the process.
Reflection
What are your thoughts on “everything happens for a reason?”
What does this reflection stir up in you?
What new perspectives might you have from this reflection?
I would love to hear your insights. If you’d like to talk through it or connect more, you can do so at the link below.
In loving support,
Grace